My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
