I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
