Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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