dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
