Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
