I met the friendliest cop last night
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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