Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
