Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
