I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
