The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
