I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
