You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
