my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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