I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
