barbara walters just said penis...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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