Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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