made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
