I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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