The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
