if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I need to stop coming to work sober
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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