I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
