What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
