You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
