At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
