i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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