Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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