my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
