Moan for me like Helen Keller
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
