Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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