happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
