I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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