I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
