yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
