Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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