I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
