I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
