i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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