Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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