Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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