before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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