I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
