I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
