Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
