Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
