Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
