I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
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he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
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When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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