heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
