I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
