Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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