The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
