Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
