I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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