Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
