I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
