yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
