yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
