How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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