i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
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We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
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do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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