Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
