Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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