Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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