So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
