do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
